$15 bucks a month....

Last night I was puttering around WoW and I was on one of the quieter guild channels minding my own business as I am prone to do. Our guild is made up of 20 and 30 year olds and while that can be fun, sometimes I just need some down time. People can reach me if they need to, but I'm not honor bound to chime in every 3 minutes with some quick witty comeback.

One of the guildies chimes in that if I ever have an issue or a problem that I should come to him if I'm not comfortable with something going on. I restate my position and the guildie states:

"The guild hire ups like you, Satharn. You don't complain so if you have a problem let me or them know. We really respect and admire that you are mature."

Clearly they don't know this blog exists.

I'm an abuse surviver. I was physically, mentally, and sexually abused before the age of seven. My birth father is an alchoholic and my mother did her best but this was back before kids went to therapists. So yeah I've got issues. I'm mentally broken in more ways than one.

One of the things I have struggled with in the last 2 years is removing the abusive people from my life. I had a roomate who used to throw me into walls and grab me so hard she left bruises and scars. I sat and took it for 14 years because I'd ALWAYS been abused by someone in my life. I figured I deserved it because I was worthless.

I decided I needed therapy. So I went. It took a long long time for it to sink in because the abuse was so hardwired into my psyche I just couldn't see the manipulitive crap people would do to me. I was one of these people that felt that I had to sit and take it so people would like me.

Removing the negative people started slowly and I made mistakes. I lashed out at the wrong people sometimes and it took a long time to find medication that would work because my doctors weren't listening very well to what I was saying. Ihad some health issues as well. I hurt people and for that I will forever be sorry. I lost tons of people I considered friends because they couldn't handle the drama that erupted when I fumbled in an attempt to change my life for the better.

It wasn't all my fault of course. Some people were manipulative asshats that needed to be removed from my life. Like the spotlight whore who made it her mission to publically ride my ass and stalk me over IM specificly to dump on me for not following her agenda for her fan fic, her SCA career or her characters in our RPGs. There was the SOB who verbally beat down his girlfriend and called her on the phone to harrass her when she was out having fun with my friends and I.

I listened to people make excuses for this behavior and my response was this, "Watching someone get emotionally mauled and doing nothing is cowardice. Just because its not your soul they are slowly rending to bits doesn't mean you should ignore it happening to others. Stand up and DO something."

Wrong thing to say. I got booted out so fast and so brutally I ended up getting an extra dose of meds just to keep me mellow for the next 3 months.

Abusers hate it when you call them on their shit. I did that too. I then turned around and had it out with the roomate. Again with the verbal abuse only this time the therapy kicked in. I finally went for broke. I tossed out every abusive shitty person I had in my life. The clingy people that thrived on the drama, the people that pointed at me and told people I made them look sane, all of them. I moved, I didn't pass on my address and I changed my phone number. I've sworn people to NEVER tell these people where I live and NEVER to devulge anything about me. Its not their business.

So yeah when someone says "We like and admire you, Satharn and want to know if you're having problems." I get really suspecious. Trust doesn't come easily for me and before anyone thinks its odd that I'm blogging my life in such an open way the fact is that I just don't care what people think. My life my views are my own and they shape my WoW experience in a unique way.

I don't want to get emotionally invested with these people. I've been down that road and removed the knives from my back once too often to want to do it again. I'll be nice and polite and state my opinions quietly but I will never EVER let anyone in a guild get that close to me.

I'll do my own thing and if the guild becomes distasteful I'll leave. You can't change the world and most people just don't give a crap what others think. I've said it before, its my 15 bucks too.

And if I want a therapist I've got one. She reads my blog. The state pays her a lot more than 15 bucks a month too.